A Fleeting Fancy

Every minute of every day,
thoughts of you creep in
and poison my mind.
Making me lose concentration ...
Imagination ...
Interest ...
What are you doing?
Who are you with?
They're so lucky they get to spend a day with you. They see it as ordinary.
The few minutes in a day when our paths cross and you smile at me, I hold as extraordinary.

Payroll

Month after month
Gross salary to net salary
From new hire to termination
You have been our realible partner
For this we take this opportunity to say
Thank you
And we wish you and yours a happy, safe, and blessed Holiday season

The Relationship That Wasn't

No warmth in your embrace.
No security in your words.
Just empty gazes exchanged.
Nothing gained. Nothing lost.
Excitement. Anxiety. Settling. Moving on.

Here.I.Am.Again

So I got into the whole writing thing because my feelings got so intense they were screaming for an outlet. So I put pencil to paper and I wrote. Silly poems. Cliches. Yearnings. Desires. Pain. It all flowed out of me and created a mess.

It was embarrassing to see my emotional canvas which looked more like a child's drawing rather than the work of a great master. It wasn't coherent. It didn't have to be. After all, it was just an outlet for over-feeling. With time, it proved to be therapeutic. Things got better. Or so I thought. But I felt less. And I hurt less. And I went through an emotional desert where the lack of feeling almost hurt as much as the over-feeling. It was easier to travel the emotional barrens by keeping busy. Work became a distraction. WOW became a distraction. TV. Music. Internet. Porn. Food. All good distractions.

And now, here I am again. Feeling. Mostly lousy. Mostly because I idolize and I'm too shy / stupid to get to know the man behind the perfect exterior. And this is how I don't connect. How I get left out in the cold. Staring and drooling from a distance. Feeling bad. Feeling alone. Feeling terrified of a million things I can't even begin to describe. It's not logical. It's not sensible. It's not even healthy. But it is very real to me. It is my current reality.

And you'd think it would be comforting to be back in the over-feeling zone, but all I feel right now is fear and annoyance (!) over how the hell did I get back here? One minute its an emotional drought. Next minute it's an emotional monsoon. At least this time around I'll know to bring an umbrella. The emotional wet season is upon me.

At My Most Beautiful ...

The feeling of being so in love with a person, that the thought of not being in love with them any more makes you wonder who you could possibly be in love with. And worse the feeling that if they don't love you back, then you that's it. You have lost love. And you will never recover it again. Hopelessness. Voidness. Fear engulfing. Worst feeling ever.

Or so I thought at the time. Now I sit numbly, stupidly, silently - and wonder if I will ever get it back?!